If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.