My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.