(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Taco Bell, Exit 22
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag