[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The French word for sex is croissant.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
This chloroform smells expensiv…
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me: