My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.