video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING