@Sanbel11: Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we'll be moving any second now.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote "today"*
@noogscorner: Noah: A boat? God: Yes. Noah: Two of every animal? God: Yes. Noah: I have a better idea. God: What. Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone.
@Ristolable: A girl on Facebook says it's officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
@TheTobbie: Is it racist that I've been talking to this one white chick on my street for months now & just realized she's actually 5 white chicks?...