Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The Friday File.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Where is your GOD now????
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE