Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.