Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
dam girl
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself