Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.