I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.