@Parker_Simpson: Studies show that people who start a sentence with "studies show..." have no clue what they're talking about
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@Coastiefish: You think God hates crosses? If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I'd be pissed.
@KeetRidley: If a tree falls in the woods and the wife's not there to witness it, it'll be my fault when i get home.
@all_about_today: What I've learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.