@Parker_Simpson: Studies show that people who start a sentence with "studies show..." have no clue what they're talking about
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@WhiskeySoured: If a bear is chasing you, don't run. Be very still and tweet about it because you're about to die.
@HonestToddler: Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
@shkeeber: Me: *puts ferret in box with cat* Mom: What are you doing? Me: Making carrets! Mom: Carrots? Me: Yup! *plays Barry White* Cat: *yowls*