@Parker_Simpson: Studies show that people who start a sentence with "studies show..." have no clue what they're talking about
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@yazminda12: Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me* Him: so, you still mad?
@LeBearGirdle: *eulogy* Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn't bring his banjo Me: dad always hated my banjo M: whew Me:[reaches into case] but he's gone now
@KalvinMacleod: 911 what's the emergency? "How do u unburn pizza?" U burnt a pizza "Yes" I'll send a squad car "Ok will they help?" No ur under arrest
@Brampersandon_: [infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*