Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
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Meow
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making