this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
You Might Also Like
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My whole life was a lie.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.