Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
No Google it does not
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
she has a point
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.