Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I’m sorry…what?
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask