@ConcernedSirGuy: Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing "kiss by a rose." REFUND!
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@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?" Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig. "I'm sorry man" it's ok. still got laid.
@TheToddWilliams: [principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.
@carlyken: Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude's castle far too often to be a coincidence.
@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.