Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
You Might Also Like
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
the greatest twitter interaction
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.