[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.