SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Oh the world we live in…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If a snake ate a cake
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.