Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
want me to check your oil?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people