“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”