40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.