Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
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6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.