Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
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Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
everyone has that one prude friend
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
From my Mom
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
When a shoelace touches your ankle