what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
OMG 🤣🤣
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me trying to reach for my goals
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.