Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
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ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Stick it to the man
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”