Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.