@MikeCanRant: Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
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@Manda_like_wine: Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
@WickedDarkEyes: I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know... Oreos.
@kevinrowe1: I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.