The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children