@MikeCanRant: Summer Safety Tip: Before swimming in the ocean, cover yourself in gluten to lower the chances of being eaten by health conscious sharks.
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@thatUPSdude: The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, "My place isn't that bad, I can go another week"
@LeightonSaysHi: He told me he wanted a dirty girl so I didn't shower for two weeks. Now he won't return my calls. Forget women, MEN and their mixed signals!
@flashember: [Doctor's Office] Seal: My flippers are sore. Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE