Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
You Might Also Like
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.