Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it