Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
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I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.