[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
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the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
✌️
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
never deleting this app.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead