[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.