Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.