So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids