@garrettbarry70: Super excited about staying at my daughter's place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
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@ericsshadow: My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
@eric10F: "will you be paying with cash or credit?" "Cash" *start playing "ring of fire" on my kazoo *gets tackled by security*
@ericsshadow: Cop: license and registration. Me: I don't carry my drivers license so I don't lose it. Cop: where is it? Me: I have absolutely no idea.
@o__0Dev: If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory.