Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My kitchen overserved me.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.