Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
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It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
let’s discuss
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.