Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Oh, I bet you would be
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers