[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
what could possibly go wrong?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What fresh Hell is this?!?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.