y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
You Might Also Like
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
adding to the discourse
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie