[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
real
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial