[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.