superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
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Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.