Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER