Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!