Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
That’s no pocket rocket.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?