When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button