Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
You Might Also Like
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
all that yoga finally paid off
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.