*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
You Might Also Like
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol