*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%