Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
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oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”