“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot