Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
You Might Also Like
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
is this how new cars are made??
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements